Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day – Masterpiece Mum, by Sarah Ziman

Lola does not paint very often, she is not that artistic, but just occasionally she makes her mark for a good cause. She is a passionate believer in libraries and books and reading – as you can see from her poster.

Thank you to Sarah Ziman for the today’s poem – I think you will see the connection to the above subject, once you have read it!

 

Masterpiece Mum

 

My face is shaped like a potato,

I’ve got rather odd coloured skin –

one eye is up high on my forehead,

and the other is nearer my chin.

My cabbage leaf ears are enormous,

my earrings could be nuts and bolts,

for my hair just imagine a hedgehog –

who’s somehow received ninety volts.

My cheeks are as red as two cherries,

my teeth are a giant white bridge,

but you can tell from my grin that I’m happy –

and I’m proud to be stuck to the fridge!

 

© Sarah Ziman

Posted in A Rainbow of Poems, Funny Poem a Day

A Rainbow of Poems – I Wish, by Carole Bromley

In 2013, we toured all the 80 Gromit statues in Bristol (and one in London, Paddington) to raise some money for Medical Detection Dogs, who trained Lola. This beautiful golden Gromit was at St Nicholas Market. Gold and Silver are at the end of the rainbow, not in the sky, but in the ground… there is more gold and silver in Carole Bromley‘s poem, below – thank you, Carole!

 

I Wish

 

I wish I could live in the dolls’ house

and sit on a velvet chair and sip

from a silver goblet  

 

I could sleep under that patchwork

grandma made with a cotton wool pillow

and keep my socks on all night 

 

I’d loll against the kitchen sink

like the silly pipe-cleaner doll

washing the one gold plate

 

Sometimes I’d take a bath in the pink tub

and gaze up at the bare bulb

until it grew late

 

then I’d take down one of the paper books

from the shelf and kick off my shoes

and contemplate

 

If I felt like it, I’d go out of the tidy front door

carrying the tiny peg basket

and gather china fruit

 

I’d share it out with the wooden dog

and the three-legged cat

and warm myself at the grate.

 

If I could shrink and not grow up

I’d live my life in the room of gold chairs

behind the five-barred gate.

 

© Carole Bromley

 

Joke:

What’s black and white and red all over?

¡ɹǝdɐdsʍǝu ɐ

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day – Hence the Stare, by Trevor Millum

 

After John Rice’s funny poem was posted, poet Trevor Millum wrote this and sent it to me, about Lola and Milla on the stairs. It made me laugh, so here it is! You’ll have to read John’s post below to see about Lola and Milla’s relationship. (Milla was equally jealous of Lola getting any attention!)

 

Hence the Stare

 

I give you a stare

from the stairs, cos

don’t think that I’m unaware

that this mog has to share

your affection.  Beware!

For under this hair

is a sensitive heart which

Just doesn’t care at all

about being fair.

Hence the stare.

 

© Trevor Millum

 

Joke:

 

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?

¡ɥsıɟןןǝɥs ǝןʇʇıן ɐ sɐʍ ǝɥ ǝsnɐɔǝq

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: A Walk in the Park, by Sally Wiltshire

So here is Lola, looking muddy after a walk in the park… actually not as muddy as he has been, she can completely change colour to dark brown! She definitely loves rolling in dirt… so I was thrilled to receive this poem, kindly sent by Sally Wiltshire (thank you, Sally), which is PERFECT – I have often had to attach Lola to a lead when, er, well, read on…!

 

A Walk In The Park

 

Dog’s out walking,

dog is good,

strutting round

the neighbourhood.

Dog’s excited

nears the park;

can’t resist

a cocky bark.

Dog’s impatient

picks up speed,

yanks the human

with the lead.

Dog is running

very fast,

off the bloomin’

lead at last.

Spots some fun,

puts on a spurt,

Dog is rolling

in the dirt.

Dog is stinking

pleased as punch;

the human has

a nasty hunch.

Hmm

Dog has rolled

in something vile

can smell him coming

from a mile

Dog jogs up,

with tail held high;

human gives

a sorry sigh.

Dog is bad

apparently

although, quite why,

Dog fails to see.

Dog is fastened

to the lead,

sees no problem,

sees no need,

no flippin’ reason,

to be cross;

the stinkier,

the better, Boss.

Don’t she know

a stink is gooooood

when strutting

round the neighbourhood?

 

© Sally Wiltshire

 

What does a dog magician say?

¡ɹopɐɹqɐpɐɔɐɹqɐl

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: A Sea-Serpent Saw a Big Tanker, by Anon.

So here is Miss Sandy Nose, aka Lola Brownlee, on Weymouth beach… she adores the sand. I do not. I really do not like sand. I like looking at sand and sea, and have lived near the sea as a child and teenager and young adult for many, many years. I have the ear damage to prove it. I like sea VIEWS. 

Today’s poem, as promised, is by Anon., that most prolific of poets. And illustrates why it is healthy to take a cautious attitude to anything sea-related. This limerick poem is printed in the Kingfisher Book of Comic Verse, a book which contains several other absolute favourites of mine. A limerick always has the same rhythm and rhyming pattern… AABBA, and usually 8-9 syllables in the ‘A’ rhyming lines and 5 in the rhyming ‘B’ lines.

 

A Sea-Serpent Saw a Big Tanker

 

A sea-serpent saw a big tanker,

Bit a hole in her side and then sank her.

It swallowed the crew

In a minute of two,

And then picked its teeth with the anchor.

 

Anonymous.

 

Joke:

What does a sea monster eat?

¡sdᴉɥs puɐ ɥsᴉɟ

 

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: The Giggles, by Bernard Young

This is Lola with her best friend,  a golden cocker spaniel called Blousey. As you can see they are both giggling about something. We don’t know what, though. They were born within weeks of each other and are both now 10.

Our poem today is from Bernard Young – thank you Bernard!

 

The Giggles

 

Our giggles are infectious.

They start off in our heads.

At first they’re only rumours.

Then the rumours spread.

 

(Giggling is contagious.

It soon catches on.

But if you do it in the classroom

you find you’re in the wrong).

 

When asked about The Giggles

we won’t know what to say

but we’ll get into trouble

if they don’t go away.

 

‘Do tell me what’s so funny,’

Miss Simpson will demand

but if we say, ‘Nothing, Miss’

she won’t understand.

 

She’ll think we’ve got a secret

and I suppose we have

but we’re completely baffled:

What was it made us laugh?

 

We need to find a reason.

she’ll expect us to explain.

I just hope our explanation

doesn’t  set us off again.

 

Our giggles are infectious.

They start off in our heads.

At first they’re only rumours.

Then the rumours spread.

 

© Bernard Young

 

Joke – What looks like half a cat?

The other half.

 

Here is Bernard with his lovely old cat, called Toffee.

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem: Spring in the Farm Yard, by Trevor Millum

I don’t have any photos of Lola in a farmyard, but I do have one of her with a spring in her step, during spring, taking my daughter rather by surprise with her speed when she was a puppy. She is still extraordinarily fast, can jump very high and dodge anything!

Today’s poem is by Trevor Millum, thank you Trevor!

Spring in the Yarm Fard

The mat keowed

The mow cooed

The bog darked

The kigeon pooed

 

The squicken chalked

The surds bang

The kwuk dacked

The burch rells chang

 

And then, after all the dacking and the changing

The chalking and the banging

The darking and the pooing

The keowing and the kooing

There was a mewtiful beaumont

Of queace and pie-ate.

 

© Trevor Millum

 

Here are Trevor’s pets  – called Stega, Stegee, Stego, Stegu and Simon.

 

 

How many eyes does Tyrannosaurus Rex have?

None! (only two ‘a’s, one ‘o’, two ‘u’s, and an ‘e’).

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Laughter by Philippa Rae

Another poem about laughter today – so here is Lola enjoying a giggle with her big brother when she was a puppy. It always makes me smile, anyway! She particularly like having her tummy tickled… Thank you, Philippa for this poem!

 

The Gift Of Laughter

 

I caught a peal of laughter

Before it got away

It flittered and it fluttered

Brightening up my day

 

It rippled in my hand

Pulsating with the giggles

A light and friendly laughter

That gave off little wiggles

 

See my laugh collection!

I’ve got chuckles and guffaws

Chortles and Hee hees and

Ha ha’s and haw haws!

 

I have saved this laughter

In a jar up in my room

And when I’m next unhappy

And filled with doom and gloom

 

I’ll let these peals fly

Bring a smile to those they touch

Laughter is a precious gift

Thank you very much

 

© Philippa Rae

 

Today’s joke – did you know that if you look at a mirror REALLY closely, it looks like an eyeball?

Oh! And Happy Birthday to Peter, my husband!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Jonathan Humble and Karmasaurus

This is Lola looking a tad apprehensive. She’s a bit scared of the subject of the poem below, sent by Jonathan Humble – thank you Jonathan!  I have reassured her that it’s NOT TRUE. The lovely dinosaur is drawn by Philip Waddell, who is also a poet! Thanks, Phil!

Karmasaurus

 

I am a little dinosaur;

the only one at school.

When teachers are not looking,

I’m the butt of ridicule.

 

At playtimes I’m not chosen

for games like hide and seek,

I often end up by myself,

alone and feeling bleak.

 

Sometimes I lose my sandshoes

and haven’t got a clue

just why I find them soaking

floating in the cloakroom loo.

 

The bigger kids will taunt me;

they’re such a nasty bunch.

But there’s no need to worry ‘cos

I eat them for my lunch.

 

© 2019 Jonathan Humble

 

Why can’t you hear a pterosaur using the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent!

Here is Jonathans’s pet dog, Arthur!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day: Have a Laugh, by Neal Zetter

It doesn’t take much to make Lola laugh, a tickle, the sight of delicious, tasty morsels of meat… or if you tell her a joke. Of course, she doesn’t have the distinction of being named after a laugh. That is reserved for the chi-hua-hua-hua… Anyhoo, today’s poem to make you chuckle comes from Neal Zetter, thank you Neal! You can find my favourite of Neal’s books here. It is about superheroes!

Have a Laugh

Have a chuckle
Have a giggle
Till your belly bobs and jiggles
Go on – act completely daft
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

You’ll feel jolly
You’ll feel cheery
When your day is dull and dreary
Don’t sing in your shower or bath
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Try a bit of comedy
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Make a smirk
Make a smile
Keep on grinning all the while
Like hyenas
Not giraffes
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Why be grumpy?
Why be moody?
When you’re down and bored and broody
Reach out to your happy half
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Melt away your misery
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

© Neal Zetter

Here is Neal with his dog, Hugo, who looks very like Lola!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day – Box, by Joshua Seigal

It has to be said that Lola is partial to a box. Not as partial as Milla our cat was, but she still quite likes them. However, unlike in Josh’s Box poem, Lola prefers her toys – particularly her unicorn. Thanks for this poem Josh! You can find this poem in Josh’s great new book, Welcome to My Crazy Life, Bloomsbury Education.

 

Box

 

You can give her a ball

or a small fluffy toy,

you can hand her a plaything

for her to enjoy,

you can come home all laden

with ramps, posts and blocks,

but all that she’ll want

is a plain cardboard box.

 

You can go to the pet shop

and fritter your dosh

on fancy contraptions

that seem rather posh,

you can hope that your purchases

will entertain her,

but all that she’ll want

is the cardboard container.

 

You can have lots of love

and the best of intentions

and spend all your time

coming up with inventions,

but nothing that you do

will she deem acceptable,

all that she’ll crave

is the cardboard receptacle.

 

So listen in closely

and heed my advice,

no matter your gift

and no matter how nice,

the only thing certain

is this paradox,

all that she’ll want

is the damn cardboard BOX!

 

© Joshua Seigal

Here is Josh’s own pet, his beeeautiful cat, Bluebell!

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Don’t Wanna, by Roger Stevens

Lola has an amazing range of facial expressions – I had no idea before getting a dog that they really do have very expressive faces. Lola always gets her point across, whatever her feelings. As you can see above – this expression means, I don’t wanna wear a BOW! Or possibly, I am NOT being seen in public like this! Needless to say she has not been in a bow since.

Today’s poem is by lovely Roger Stevens, it comes from his and Brian Moses’ book The Waggiest Tails, Otter-Barry, which is full to the brim with lovely dog poems, written by dogs. There is even one by Lola about Lola in there. Thank you, Roger!

 

Don’t Wanna

 

I don’t wanna go to bed

don’t wanna get up

don’t wanna stop chewing

that smelly sock

I don’t wanna stay

I don’t wanna come

don’t wanna stop chasing

the shadows in the sun

I don’t wanna be quiet

I just wanna bark

don’t wanna stop chasing

the ducks in the park

don’t wanna walk quietly

don’t wanna walk to heel

and if you were a puppy

you’d know how I feel

 

© Roger Stevens

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day – Baby Shark by Myles McCleod

Lola doesn’t seem too worried by sharks in this photo – although she hates getting her feet wet. She jumps over puddles, she prances round dog pee, and only paddles up to her ankles (do dogs have ankles?). She actually proudly reached this point in the river by delicately picking her way over rocks. Do not be deceived. She’s a water wimp. And probably with good reason, judging from Myles’ poem, below. Thanks, Myles!

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day – Sue Hardy-Dawson

Lola (pictured with Gromit in Bristol)  says let’s hear some laughter! For teachers, parents, children  (this is a safe site) and anyone who could do with a giggle. thank you so much to lovely Sue.

A review is coming soon of her absolutely FABULOUS new book… If I Were Other Than Myself, Troika Books.

 

Toilet Humour

 

Miss, my last 2p

fell in the loo

where there should’ve been 1 p

there’s 1 plus 2

 

Me! Get it out?

No it’s covered

 

in dirty water…

So what I was thinking is

Missss – can you?

 

Or better still

get me a clean one?

 

©SHD 2020

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poems for Strange Times

Along with my assistance dog, Lola, I think we could all do with some fun parts to the day at the minute, so I intend to post a funny poem a day if at all possible – really funny, funny poems from books, out of copyright poems and also poems from well-known children’s poets! Let’s hear some laughter! For teachers, parents, children  (this is a safe site) and anyone who could do with a giggle.

The FIRST poem is one of my all-time favourites. It was selected by Gerard Benson for his excellent Signal Award winning book: this poem doesn’t rhyme, Puffin.

 

WHAT FOR!

 

One more word, said my dad,

And I’ll give you what for.

 

What for? I said.

 

That’s right, he said, what for!

 

No, I said, I mean what for?

What will you give me what for for?

 

Never you mind, he said. Wait and see.

 

But what is what for for? I said.

 

What’s what for for? he said,

It’s to teach you what’s what,

That’s what.

 

What’s that? I said.

Right, he said, you’re for it,

I’m going to let you have it.

 

Have what? I said.

 

Have what? He said,

What for, that’s what.

Do you want me to really give you

Something to think about?

 

I don’t know, I said,

I’m thinking about it.

 

Then he clipped me over the ear.

 

It was the first time he’d made sense

All day.

 

© Noel Petty