Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: A Sea-Serpent Saw a Big Tanker, by Anon.

So here is Miss Sandy Nose, aka Lola Brownlee, on Weymouth beach… she adores the sand. I do not. I really do not like sand. I like looking at sand and sea, and have lived near the sea as a child and teenager and young adult for many, many years. I have the ear damage to prove it. I like sea VIEWS. 

Today’s poem, as promised, is by Anon., that most prolific of poets. And illustrates why it is healthy to take a cautious attitude to anything sea-related. This limerick poem is printed in the Kingfisher Book of Comic Verse, a book which contains several other absolute favourites of mine. A limerick always has the same rhythm and rhyming pattern… AABBA, and usually 8-9 syllables in the ‘A’ rhyming lines and 5 in the rhyming ‘B’ lines.

 

A Sea-Serpent Saw a Big Tanker

 

A sea-serpent saw a big tanker,

Bit a hole in her side and then sank her.

It swallowed the crew

In a minute of two,

And then picked its teeth with the anchor.

 

Anonymous.

 

Joke:

What does a sea monster eat?

¡sdᴉɥs puɐ ɥsᴉɟ

 

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: We Have a Mouse, by Liz Brownlee

Anon. is a funny word, isn’t it? It stands for anonymous, which is the word used to represent a person who doesn’t want their identity known, or for someone whose identity is not known. There are probably more poems by Anon. than by anyone else, but they are not all the same person of course – sometimes the poem has been handed down and repeated and repeated and maybe changed, until no-one knowns who wrote it in the first place. Tomorrow we have a poem by Anon. Today, there is a poem by me which mentions the word.

In the picture today, Lola is trying to be anonymous by being camouflaged on her blanket.

 

We Have a Mouse

 

We think we have a mouse – for it

ate mum’s jam sponge cake bit by bit,

we know he’s been here when he comes

by missing cake and piles of crumbs

but never see him round the house

we think he is anony- mouse!

 

© Liz Brownlee

 

What squeaks, has 12 legs, three noses and three tails but can’t see?

!ǝɔᴉɯ puᴉʅq ǝǝɹɥꓕ

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Goodbye Cruel World, by Trevor Parsons

You’d be surprised at how easy it is to lose a small dog in the long grass when out on a walk. Lola is always losing herself, but luckily she has perfected the technique of dancing on her hind legs to make herself taller so she can see me over the tops of the grasses. Here she is demonstrating!

Today’s funny poem by Trevor Parsons is about disappearing piece by piece…thank you, Trevor!

 

Goodbye, Cruel World

 

I’ve lost my nerve, I’m losing my voice,

my heart has been stolen by Jane,

I’ve given a hand to a stranger

and my face has just fallen again.

 

My legs have shot out from under me,

my arms have been grabbed from behind,

I’ve lent my ears to some Romans

and I’m rapidly losing my mind.

 

My bottom’s been pinched, and my teacher

has taken quite enough of my cheek –

if I carry on going at this rate

I’ll be gone by the end of the week.

 

© Trevor Parsons

 

Trevor doesn’t have any pets – but he has sent a joke:

Q: What do you rub on a sore pig?

A: Oinkment!

 

I have heard that young people are posting pictures of rainbows in their windows to express and spread love and happiness while everyone is at home. How wonderful. Here is Lola with a rainbow Gromit – and very happy she looks, too.

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Komodo by Brian Moses

Here is Lola running very fast – is she running away from something (like a komodo dragon?), or towards something? What do you think? Or is she just enjoying leaping through the buttercups?

Komodo dragons kill their prey with a venomous bite – a bit like like a snake. It is one of the few venomous lizards in the world.

You could write a poem about a monster. Describe your monster. What does it look like? Why is it so scary? What is its super-power? What does it eat? What colour is it, and what sound does it make? When you have written your poem, look at each line and think about how to make it more interesting. What colour did you choose? If it was brown, try and compare that brown to something else with a simile. Is it the same colour as ploughed fields? Or sludgy rivers? Or shiny conkers?

Today’s komodo poem is by Brian Moses – Brian’s website gives a poetry-writing idea every single day!

Komodo

 

You’d better not take a selfie

with the dragon they call komodo

or hocus-pocus, diplodocus,

you’ll be more dead than a dodo.

 

He won’t be a photo in your family book

even if you ask him nicely.

The look he gives you shouldn’t be ignored,

his expression is simply icy.

 

He won’t be your dancing partner

in your holiday video,

he can’t be tamed & ridden

in some wild west rodeo.

 

It’s no good trying to persuade him,

he’s always in a bad mood,

and don’t call round when he’s eating,

asking to share his food.

 

It’s senseless to risk being headless

when he closes his mighty jaws

or find that you’re suddenly swiped

by a flick from his wicked claws.

 

Oh komodo, no komodo,

if what I hear is true,

nothing but another komodo

should risk getting close to you.

 

© Brian Moses

 

Here’s a joke:

 

Q:What do komodo dragons have that no other animal has?

A: sǝıqɐq opoɯoʞ

 

Here is Brian’s pet dog, Honey:

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: The Giggles, by Bernard Young

This is Lola with her best friend,  a golden cocker spaniel called Blousey. As you can see they are both giggling about something. We don’t know what, though. They were born within weeks of each other and are both now 10.

Our poem today is from Bernard Young – thank you Bernard!

 

The Giggles

 

Our giggles are infectious.

They start off in our heads.

At first they’re only rumours.

Then the rumours spread.

 

(Giggling is contagious.

It soon catches on.

But if you do it in the classroom

you find you’re in the wrong).

 

When asked about The Giggles

we won’t know what to say

but we’ll get into trouble

if they don’t go away.

 

‘Do tell me what’s so funny,’

Miss Simpson will demand

but if we say, ‘Nothing, Miss’

she won’t understand.

 

She’ll think we’ve got a secret

and I suppose we have

but we’re completely baffled:

What was it made us laugh?

 

We need to find a reason.

she’ll expect us to explain.

I just hope our explanation

doesn’t  set us off again.

 

Our giggles are infectious.

They start off in our heads.

At first they’re only rumours.

Then the rumours spread.

 

© Bernard Young

 

Joke – What looks like half a cat?

The other half.

 

Here is Bernard with his lovely old cat, called Toffee.

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Orange by Coral Rumble

This is Lola’s reaction to an orange. Mu-uuuum! I was expecting a treat! Not this thing of pips smelling of pith! Bafflement is, I think you will agree, written all over her face. Luckily, she didn’t have to eat it. I gave her a morsel of meat.

Today’s poem is by Coral Rumble, thank you, Coral!

© Coral Rumble

And here is a joke Coral sent:

I knew Coral was fond of cookies but I didn’t know that they served a purpose! I must eat more myself.

Here is Coral’s little dog, Gus.

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem: Spring in the Farm Yard, by Trevor Millum

I don’t have any photos of Lola in a farmyard, but I do have one of her with a spring in her step, during spring, taking my daughter rather by surprise with her speed when she was a puppy. She is still extraordinarily fast, can jump very high and dodge anything!

Today’s poem is by Trevor Millum, thank you Trevor!

Spring in the Yarm Fard

The mat keowed

The mow cooed

The bog darked

The kigeon pooed

 

The squicken chalked

The surds bang

The kwuk dacked

The burch rells chang

 

And then, after all the dacking and the changing

The chalking and the banging

The darking and the pooing

The keowing and the kooing

There was a mewtiful beaumont

Of queace and pie-ate.

 

© Trevor Millum

 

Here are Trevor’s pets  – called Stega, Stegee, Stego, Stegu and Simon.

 

 

How many eyes does Tyrannosaurus Rex have?

None! (only two ‘a’s, one ‘o’, two ‘u’s, and an ‘e’).

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Laughter by Philippa Rae

Another poem about laughter today – so here is Lola enjoying a giggle with her big brother when she was a puppy. It always makes me smile, anyway! She particularly like having her tummy tickled… Thank you, Philippa for this poem!

 

The Gift Of Laughter

 

I caught a peal of laughter

Before it got away

It flittered and it fluttered

Brightening up my day

 

It rippled in my hand

Pulsating with the giggles

A light and friendly laughter

That gave off little wiggles

 

See my laugh collection!

I’ve got chuckles and guffaws

Chortles and Hee hees and

Ha ha’s and haw haws!

 

I have saved this laughter

In a jar up in my room

And when I’m next unhappy

And filled with doom and gloom

 

I’ll let these peals fly

Bring a smile to those they touch

Laughter is a precious gift

Thank you very much

 

© Philippa Rae

 

Today’s joke – did you know that if you look at a mirror REALLY closely, it looks like an eyeball?

Oh! And Happy Birthday to Peter, my husband!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: How the Head Kept His Head, Liz Brownlee

So today’s poem is by ME! Therefore it seems appropriate to have a picture of Lola as she is dressed when doing her job and accompanying me to… well everywhere! Lola is a medical detection dog. She has been trained to alert me to high or low blood sugar – I am diabetic, have no warnings of low blood sugar and fall very quickly. She lets me know before my blood sugar gets too low and I have some glucose and then I am ok – which stops me from becoming unconscious, as used to happen, regularly! She has saved my life many times. She is of course the best dog in the world. Here is one of my funny poems.

How The Head Kept His Head

 

One day during registration

to his teacher’s consternation

Lloyd chewed his nails, his toes, and then

the half-done register and pen!

 

The Head, when called, watched in despair

as Lloyd scoffed whiteboards and a chair.

He cried, ‘This problem must be beaten –

we’re not insured for being eaten!’

 

But Lloyd just grinned, unhinged his jaw

and ate the lino off the floor,

gnashed ninety felt tips, slurped some glue,

then gobbled bags of gym shoes too!

 

The ipads crunched like toffee brittle –

then in a spray of liquid spittle

he snacked on Lego in the hall

and Harry hamster cage and all!

 

When class four’s P.C. bite by byte

followed their keyboard out of sight,

the children gasped, then saw with dread,

Lloyd’s eyes alight upon the Head!

 

With fervour, ‘PUDDING!’ Lloyd announced,

and with wild slaverings he pounced –

the Head yelled ‘STOP’ (his voice quite shrill)

‘I taste of greens, I’ll make you ill!’

 

And so Lloyd, when forced to pause here,

found he did feel some slight nausea-

his mum was called: ‘Please do come quick,

for school has made Lloyd very sick!’

 

© Liz Brownlee

 

What do you do if your dog chews up your poem?

You have to take the words right out of her mouth!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Jonathan Humble and Karmasaurus

This is Lola looking a tad apprehensive. She’s a bit scared of the subject of the poem below, sent by Jonathan Humble – thank you Jonathan!  I have reassured her that it’s NOT TRUE. The lovely dinosaur is drawn by Philip Waddell, who is also a poet! Thanks, Phil!

Karmasaurus

 

I am a little dinosaur;

the only one at school.

When teachers are not looking,

I’m the butt of ridicule.

 

At playtimes I’m not chosen

for games like hide and seek,

I often end up by myself,

alone and feeling bleak.

 

Sometimes I lose my sandshoes

and haven’t got a clue

just why I find them soaking

floating in the cloakroom loo.

 

The bigger kids will taunt me;

they’re such a nasty bunch.

But there’s no need to worry ‘cos

I eat them for my lunch.

 

© 2019 Jonathan Humble

 

Why can’t you hear a pterosaur using the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent!

Here is Jonathans’s pet dog, Arthur!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day: Have a Laugh, by Neal Zetter

It doesn’t take much to make Lola laugh, a tickle, the sight of delicious, tasty morsels of meat… or if you tell her a joke. Of course, she doesn’t have the distinction of being named after a laugh. That is reserved for the chi-hua-hua-hua… Anyhoo, today’s poem to make you chuckle comes from Neal Zetter, thank you Neal! You can find my favourite of Neal’s books here. It is about superheroes!

Have a Laugh

Have a chuckle
Have a giggle
Till your belly bobs and jiggles
Go on – act completely daft
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

You’ll feel jolly
You’ll feel cheery
When your day is dull and dreary
Don’t sing in your shower or bath
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Try a bit of comedy
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Make a smirk
Make a smile
Keep on grinning all the while
Like hyenas
Not giraffes
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Why be grumpy?
Why be moody?
When you’re down and bored and broody
Reach out to your happy half
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Melt away your misery
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

© Neal Zetter

Here is Neal with his dog, Hugo, who looks very like Lola!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day – Box, by Joshua Seigal

It has to be said that Lola is partial to a box. Not as partial as Milla our cat was, but she still quite likes them. However, unlike in Josh’s Box poem, Lola prefers her toys – particularly her unicorn. Thanks for this poem Josh! You can find this poem in Josh’s great new book, Welcome to My Crazy Life, Bloomsbury Education.

 

Box

 

You can give her a ball

or a small fluffy toy,

you can hand her a plaything

for her to enjoy,

you can come home all laden

with ramps, posts and blocks,

but all that she’ll want

is a plain cardboard box.

 

You can go to the pet shop

and fritter your dosh

on fancy contraptions

that seem rather posh,

you can hope that your purchases

will entertain her,

but all that she’ll want

is the cardboard container.

 

You can have lots of love

and the best of intentions

and spend all your time

coming up with inventions,

but nothing that you do

will she deem acceptable,

all that she’ll crave

is the cardboard receptacle.

 

So listen in closely

and heed my advice,

no matter your gift

and no matter how nice,

the only thing certain

is this paradox,

all that she’ll want

is the damn cardboard BOX!

 

© Joshua Seigal

Here is Josh’s own pet, his beeeautiful cat, Bluebell!

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Don’t Wanna, by Roger Stevens

Lola has an amazing range of facial expressions – I had no idea before getting a dog that they really do have very expressive faces. Lola always gets her point across, whatever her feelings. As you can see above – this expression means, I don’t wanna wear a BOW! Or possibly, I am NOT being seen in public like this! Needless to say she has not been in a bow since.

Today’s poem is by lovely Roger Stevens, it comes from his and Brian Moses’ book The Waggiest Tails, Otter-Barry, which is full to the brim with lovely dog poems, written by dogs. There is even one by Lola about Lola in there. Thank you, Roger!

 

Don’t Wanna

 

I don’t wanna go to bed

don’t wanna get up

don’t wanna stop chewing

that smelly sock

I don’t wanna stay

I don’t wanna come

don’t wanna stop chasing

the shadows in the sun

I don’t wanna be quiet

I just wanna bark

don’t wanna stop chasing

the ducks in the park

don’t wanna walk quietly

don’t wanna walk to heel

and if you were a puppy

you’d know how I feel

 

© Roger Stevens

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day – Baby Shark by Myles McCleod

Lola doesn’t seem too worried by sharks in this photo – although she hates getting her feet wet. She jumps over puddles, she prances round dog pee, and only paddles up to her ankles (do dogs have ankles?). She actually proudly reached this point in the river by delicately picking her way over rocks. Do not be deceived. She’s a water wimp. And probably with good reason, judging from Myles’ poem, below. Thanks, Myles!

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day – Sue Hardy-Dawson

Lola (pictured with Gromit in Bristol)  says let’s hear some laughter! For teachers, parents, children  (this is a safe site) and anyone who could do with a giggle. thank you so much to lovely Sue.

A review is coming soon of her absolutely FABULOUS new book… If I Were Other Than Myself, Troika Books.

 

Toilet Humour

 

Miss, my last 2p

fell in the loo

where there should’ve been 1 p

there’s 1 plus 2

 

Me! Get it out?

No it’s covered

 

in dirty water…

So what I was thinking is

Missss – can you?

 

Or better still

get me a clean one?

 

©SHD 2020