Another oldie… this time from The Cowpat Throwing Contest, collected by Brian Moses, Wayland, illustrated by David Pattison.
Prize Spy!
Category: Funny Poem a Day
Pygmy Shrew
One of my shorter poems – from a long time ago, now! With a beautiful illustration from Rose Sanderson.
Purrfect, by Liz Brownlee
Today we have a shape poem, and an animation – thank you to animator Nick Hales who animated the kitten so beautifully!
If you fancy writing a poem yourself, why not enter my Covid19 poetry competition? Details link in the side bar, or a couple of posts down from here!
Joke:
What looks like half a cat?
¡ɟlɐɥ ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ
Funny Poems: Bullet Ant, by Liz Brownlee
I’m calling this a funny poem – but it certainly wouldn’t be funny if you were stung by this ant! It has the most painful sting of all ants, bees and wasps, and it can cause temporary paralysis. The terrible pain lasts for up to 24 hours. Luckily, it does not kill you!
The Bullet Ant
This creature’s sting is fiery hot.
though it’s so small it’s hard to spot.
“I’VE BEEN SHOT!” its victims pant –
that’s why it’s called the bullet ant!
© Liz Brownlee
The bullet ant is real – but you could write about a dangerous animal you know, perhaps a piranha fish, a tiger or a venomous snake, and only tell lies about the animal in your poem. Maybe you want to make it cuddly… or perhaps give it magical powers, or possibly you might want to exaggerate its dangerousness. Have fun!
Joke:
Did you hear about the ant that won the Nobel Peace Prize?
˙ʇuɐ-ᴉllᴉɹq sɐʍ ǝH
The great bullet ant image above was taken in Ecuador by Gail Hampshire, gailhampshire on Flikr. It is used with a Creative Commons license.
Funny Poem a Day: Dog Poem by Liz Brownlee
Here’s my favourite dog in the bluebells! And a poem below all about different types of dogs. See how many breeds you can guess! Do you have one of them?
Dogs, Dogs, Dogs…
There’s huge hairy mountains
with stalactite drool,
that plunge into rivers
and puddles and pools,
that shake after bathing
in whirlwinds of fur,
and send all their loose skin
a-whizz and a-whirr,
or flollopy-lollops,
the smell connoisseurs,
with excess of ear
a-flap and a-blur,
the low-slung torpedoes
with bright, soulful eyes,
full of courage and heart
though half a dog high,
the dependable dogs
with table-clear tails,
big snacketites
and loyal without fail,
the bundles of feisty
all tumbles and rolls,
all-go dog dynamoes
that disappear down holes,
the elegant racers
with elongate faces,
who are mostly asleep
when not having chases,
the crosses with charm
and oodles of cutes,
bright as round buttons
in curled or wool suits,
the broad faced with jowls
and shoulders of bulk,
the gentle of nature
belied by their hulk,
the obedient workers,
intelligence furred,
their unquenchable aim
to round up and herd,
all small dogs and big dogs
the smooth, silky, rough
the plain, spots, and brindles
the meek and the tough
pet dogs and work dogs
a champ or rescue;
the thing they’ve in common
is they all love you.
© Liz Brownlee
Write a poem about your dream pet – it doesn’t need to be a real animal, it could be a unicorn, or a phoenix, or another magical creature with amazing abilities. Or it could be he pet you’ve always wanted. What’s the best thing about them, and the worst? How do they feel, look, sound, smell?
Funny Poem a Day – Limerick, by Colin West
As you can see, Lola is extremely good at making paper boats, and origami in general. VERY unlike the hero of Colin West‘s poem, below… Colin is a great favourite here on Poetry roundabout, thank you Colin!
Limerick
There once was a fellow from Tonga
Who should have made very much stronga
His newspaper boat
Which didn’t quite float,
And that’s why this rhyme isn’t longa.
© Colin West
Joke:
How does the ocean say hello?
¡sǝʌɐʍ ʇI
Do you want to write a limerick? Limericks are usually funny. The humour often comes from the rhyme.
Limericks are always five lines long.
Lines 1, 2 and 5 have the same rhyme, and are longer than lines 3 and 4.
Lines 1, 2 and 5 have a rhythm that goes : duh DUM duh duh DUM duh duh DUM
Lines 3 and 4 rhyme have a different rhyme.
Lines 3 and 4 also have a different rhythm: duh DUM duh duh DUM
This is the rhythm of the limerick written out:
duh DUM duh duh DUM duh duh DUM
duh DUM duh duh DUM duh duh DUM
duh DUM duh duh DUM
duh DUM duh duh DUM
duh DUM duh duh DUM duh duh DUM
See if you can write one! They are great fun. Here is another one:
Ducks’ quacks all sound the same. How do they tell whether it is their quack or not if they are all quacking at the same time?
Ducks quack as they’re to-ing and fro-ing,
So they must have some way of knowing,
if a quack is the quack
of a friend quacking back
or their own quack coming and going.
Funny Poem a Day – Masterpiece Mum, by Sarah Ziman
Lola does not paint very often, she is not that artistic, but just occasionally she makes her mark for a good cause. She is a passionate believer in libraries and books and reading – as you can see from her poster.
Thank you to Sarah Ziman for the today’s poem – I think you will see the connection to the above subject, once you have read it!
Masterpiece Mum
My face is shaped like a potato,
I’ve got rather odd coloured skin –
one eye is up high on my forehead,
and the other is nearer my chin.
My cabbage leaf ears are enormous,
my earrings could be nuts and bolts,
for my hair just imagine a hedgehog –
who’s somehow received ninety volts.
My cheeks are as red as two cherries,
my teeth are a giant white bridge,
but you can tell from my grin that I’m happy –
and I’m proud to be stuck to the fridge!
© Sarah Ziman
Penguin Day!
Well, it has recently been penguin day so celebrate the occasion here is my shape poem of a penguin. It’s in Apes to Zebras, an A-Z of Shape Poems, by me, Sue Hardy-Dawson and Roger Stevens. And yes, we did do the shapes ourselves. It’s the first thing I have looked at under lockdown that has gone down in price – a hardback bargain!
Lola wishes you all a lovely day. When she went to zoo, she showed no interest at all in penguins. She was however fascinated by the orangutans at Monkey World. And the baby orangutans were fascinated by her!
A Rainbow of Poems – I Wish, by Carole Bromley
In 2013, we toured all the 80 Gromit statues in Bristol (and one in London, Paddington) to raise some money for Medical Detection Dogs, who trained Lola. This beautiful golden Gromit was at St Nicholas Market. Gold and Silver are at the end of the rainbow, not in the sky, but in the ground… there is more gold and silver in Carole Bromley‘s poem, below – thank you, Carole!
I Wish
I wish I could live in the dolls’ house
and sit on a velvet chair and sip
from a silver goblet
I could sleep under that patchwork
grandma made with a cotton wool pillow
and keep my socks on all night
I’d loll against the kitchen sink
like the silly pipe-cleaner doll
washing the one gold plate
Sometimes I’d take a bath in the pink tub
and gaze up at the bare bulb
until it grew late
then I’d take down one of the paper books
from the shelf and kick off my shoes
and contemplate
If I felt like it, I’d go out of the tidy front door
carrying the tiny peg basket
and gather china fruit
I’d share it out with the wooden dog
and the three-legged cat
and warm myself at the grate.
If I could shrink and not grow up
I’d live my life in the room of gold chairs
behind the five-barred gate.
© Carole Bromley
Joke:
What’s black and white and red all over?
¡ɹǝdɐdsʍǝu ɐ
A Rainbow of Funny Poems – When Grandpa Painted the Garden by John Rice
Lola is a very strange dog. She is not keen on the garden. She likes a game of football, she loves a game of catch, she enjoys the occasional jump over agility fences, but if we are just gardening, or sitting, she goes to the door to be let back in. She much prefers being on the windowsill looking out at the garden. If you let her out for a wee she races back in. So she would definitely not be around to be painted by John Rice’s Grandpa. Thank you John!
When Grandpa Painted the Garden
When Grandpa painted the garden
He used all the tins in his shed
He painted the daffodils purple
And the lilies, half-blue and half-red
He painted the grass sparkling silver,
The roses were spotted and striped
But the daisies hid under the bushes
So they could avoid being swiped.
He painted the trees all in yellow:
A wonderful golden effect.
Then, smiling, he turned and faced Grannie:
His next multicoloured project.
© John Rice
Joke:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I’m here?
A Rainbow of Poems: Hallowe’en by Roger Stevens
Today we have an orange funny poem. Above you can see puppy Lola luxuriating on an enormous orange bean bag… she still likes big beds the bigger the better. Today’s poem is by Roger Stevens – thank you, Roger!
Hallowe’en
Darren’s got a pumpkin
Hollowed out a treat
He put it in the window
It scared half the street
I wish I had a pumpkin
But I’ve not and it’s a shame
I’ve got a scary carrot
But it’s not the same
© Roger Stevens
Joke:
Are any vampires good at maths?
¡ɐןnɔɐɹᗡ ʇunoϽ noʎ ssǝןun – oN
A Rainbow of Poems – The Wolf, by Carole Bromley
Here’s Lola looking slightly guilty as she knows she is not meant to have snuck onto my duvet… today we have a wonderful ‘red’ funny poem about Red Riding Hood, with a twist – The Wolf, by Carole Bromley, thank you, Carole!
The Wolf
It’s not true that I ate the granny;
thought about it but she was too skinny,
so tough she’d have given me wind.
All I did was put her in a cupboard.
The riding hood made me see red
all that ooh Grandma stuff she said
gruff voice, hairy hands, big teeth.
Couldn’t she see what was underneath?
And I never tempted her off that path
Flowers? Me? Don’t make me laugh.
What I really wanted was those cakes,
that honey, those yummy tray bakes.
I’m allergic to pesky kids in red
and their bony grans. Whatever I did
I didn’t deserve that axe,
just wanted to chill out, relax.
The bed was so comfy, the pillow so soft
I put on the nighty, felt a bit daft
but curled up tight for a bit of a kip
when little red turns up, skippety skip
with marigolds in a little posy.
Why did she have to be so nosy?
Ooh Grandma this Ooh grandma that,
questions, questions. What a brat.
All the better to eat you with. My joke
fell flat. Before you know it this bloke
barges in, never even knocked,
broke the door down. It wasn’t locked.
Opened the wardrobe, let out gran,
came at me with his chopper. I ran
in night-cap and bloomers down that lane,
Catch me going there again.
© Carole Bromley
Joke:
What are the wolf’s favourite days of the year?
¡sʎɐp-ᴉ-lʍoɥ ǝɥʇ
A Rainbow of Poems – Red, by Neal Zetter
This is Lola as a puppy on the red bean bag, with her favourite toy – she still loves balls! Today there is a red poem by Neal Zetter, thank you very much, Neal!
Red
Red is a stunning sunset horizon
Red is a flickering flame
Red is the hottest hue you’ll lay your eyes on
Red is half the pack of a playing card game
Red is the brightness in neon lighting
Red is the blood of Count Dracula’s biting
The Devil himself is red, red, red!
Which shade did Dad choose to paint our garden shed?
Red!
Don’t confuse the Red Sea with the Dead Sea
Which is your favourite red fruit – cherry, raspberry or strawberry?
Too much TV and IT will redden your eyes
Red ants in your pants is not a pleasant surprise
If your skin’s burning lobster red get off that sunbed
Check out those clowns with massive red noses
Smell the sweetness of my Valentine’s red roses
He was red with embarrassment
She was red with anger
Swimming by the red flag puts you in grave danger
Stop!
A red signal will halt speeding traffic
Pop!
My red balloon burst as a pin pricked its plastic
If your red’s too red then think
About mixing in white to turn it pink
Ladies like to apply red makeup to their lips
Kids love to pour red ketchup on their chips
And if you’re seriously silly
You might put raw red chilli on your tongue
Want a red fire engine dial 911
In the USA
Or 999 in the UK
Ole!
The bull charged the matador on seeing red
If you’re colourblind you may be seeing green instead
Red rubies, cabbages, hair, beetroot, cheeks
Apples, pandas, buses, Lego bricks.
© Neal Zetter
A Rainbow of Poems – Oh, You Shouldn’t Have by Jan Dean
So a slight change in direction -we will still have funny poems posted but also – a rainbow of poems, starting with this great funny and red poem by Jan Dean! Thank you, Jan!
Funny Poem a Day: Cosy by Jonathan Humble
Lola doesn’t often wear a hat. But when she does, I think you will agree, she does it with aplomb. This is her in piratical mood. Today’s poem is about a hat. Or is it? It’s by Jonathan Humble, thank you Jonathan!
Joke:
What did the tie say to the hat?
¡punoɹɐ ƃuɐɥ ll,I ‘pɐǝɥ ɐ uo oƃ noʎ
Here is Jonathan’s lovely dog, Arthur, just after eating a biscuit!
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