Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Goodbye Cruel World, by Trevor Parsons

You’d be surprised at how easy it is to lose a small dog in the long grass when out on a walk. Lola is always losing herself, but luckily she has perfected the technique of dancing on her hind legs to make herself taller so she can see me over the tops of the grasses. Here she is demonstrating!

Today’s funny poem by Trevor Parsons is about disappearing piece by piece…thank you, Trevor!

 

Goodbye, Cruel World

 

I’ve lost my nerve, I’m losing my voice,

my heart has been stolen by Jane,

I’ve given a hand to a stranger

and my face has just fallen again.

 

My legs have shot out from under me,

my arms have been grabbed from behind,

I’ve lent my ears to some Romans

and I’m rapidly losing my mind.

 

My bottom’s been pinched, and my teacher

has taken quite enough of my cheek –

if I carry on going at this rate

I’ll be gone by the end of the week.

 

© Trevor Parsons

 

Trevor doesn’t have any pets – but he has sent a joke:

Q: What do you rub on a sore pig?

A: Oinkment!

 

I have heard that young people are posting pictures of rainbows in their windows to express and spread love and happiness while everyone is at home. How wonderful. Here is Lola with a rainbow Gromit – and very happy she looks, too.

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Komodo by Brian Moses

Here is Lola running very fast – is she running away from something (like a komodo dragon?), or towards something? What do you think? Or is she just enjoying leaping through the buttercups?

Komodo dragons kill their prey with a venomous bite – a bit like like a snake. It is one of the few venomous lizards in the world.

You could write a poem about a monster. Describe your monster. What does it look like? Why is it so scary? What is its super-power? What does it eat? What colour is it, and what sound does it make? When you have written your poem, look at each line and think about how to make it more interesting. What colour did you choose? If it was brown, try and compare that brown to something else with a simile. Is it the same colour as ploughed fields? Or sludgy rivers? Or shiny conkers?

Today’s komodo poem is by Brian Moses – Brian’s website gives a poetry-writing idea every single day!

Komodo

 

You’d better not take a selfie

with the dragon they call komodo

or hocus-pocus, diplodocus,

you’ll be more dead than a dodo.

 

He won’t be a photo in your family book

even if you ask him nicely.

The look he gives you shouldn’t be ignored,

his expression is simply icy.

 

He won’t be your dancing partner

in your holiday video,

he can’t be tamed & ridden

in some wild west rodeo.

 

It’s no good trying to persuade him,

he’s always in a bad mood,

and don’t call round when he’s eating,

asking to share his food.

 

It’s senseless to risk being headless

when he closes his mighty jaws

or find that you’re suddenly swiped

by a flick from his wicked claws.

 

Oh komodo, no komodo,

if what I hear is true,

nothing but another komodo

should risk getting close to you.

 

© Brian Moses

 

Here’s a joke:

 

Q:What do komodo dragons have that no other animal has?

A: sǝıqɐq opoɯoʞ

 

Here is Brian’s pet dog, Honey:

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: The Giggles, by Bernard Young

This is Lola with her best friend,  a golden cocker spaniel called Blousey. As you can see they are both giggling about something. We don’t know what, though. They were born within weeks of each other and are both now 10.

Our poem today is from Bernard Young – thank you Bernard!

 

The Giggles

 

Our giggles are infectious.

They start off in our heads.

At first they’re only rumours.

Then the rumours spread.

 

(Giggling is contagious.

It soon catches on.

But if you do it in the classroom

you find you’re in the wrong).

 

When asked about The Giggles

we won’t know what to say

but we’ll get into trouble

if they don’t go away.

 

‘Do tell me what’s so funny,’

Miss Simpson will demand

but if we say, ‘Nothing, Miss’

she won’t understand.

 

She’ll think we’ve got a secret

and I suppose we have

but we’re completely baffled:

What was it made us laugh?

 

We need to find a reason.

she’ll expect us to explain.

I just hope our explanation

doesn’t  set us off again.

 

Our giggles are infectious.

They start off in our heads.

At first they’re only rumours.

Then the rumours spread.

 

© Bernard Young

 

Joke – What looks like half a cat?

The other half.

 

Here is Bernard with his lovely old cat, called Toffee.

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Orange by Coral Rumble

This is Lola’s reaction to an orange. Mu-uuuum! I was expecting a treat! Not this thing of pips smelling of pith! Bafflement is, I think you will agree, written all over her face. Luckily, she didn’t have to eat it. I gave her a morsel of meat.

Today’s poem is by Coral Rumble, thank you, Coral!

© Coral Rumble

And here is a joke Coral sent:

I knew Coral was fond of cookies but I didn’t know that they served a purpose! I must eat more myself.

Here is Coral’s little dog, Gus.

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem: Spring in the Farm Yard, by Trevor Millum

I don’t have any photos of Lola in a farmyard, but I do have one of her with a spring in her step, during spring, taking my daughter rather by surprise with her speed when she was a puppy. She is still extraordinarily fast, can jump very high and dodge anything!

Today’s poem is by Trevor Millum, thank you Trevor!

Spring in the Yarm Fard

The mat keowed

The mow cooed

The bog darked

The kigeon pooed

 

The squicken chalked

The surds bang

The kwuk dacked

The burch rells chang

 

And then, after all the dacking and the changing

The chalking and the banging

The darking and the pooing

The keowing and the kooing

There was a mewtiful beaumont

Of queace and pie-ate.

 

© Trevor Millum

 

Here are Trevor’s pets  – called Stega, Stegee, Stego, Stegu and Simon.

 

 

How many eyes does Tyrannosaurus Rex have?

None! (only two ‘a’s, one ‘o’, two ‘u’s, and an ‘e’).

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Laughter by Philippa Rae

Another poem about laughter today – so here is Lola enjoying a giggle with her big brother when she was a puppy. It always makes me smile, anyway! She particularly like having her tummy tickled… Thank you, Philippa for this poem!

 

The Gift Of Laughter

 

I caught a peal of laughter

Before it got away

It flittered and it fluttered

Brightening up my day

 

It rippled in my hand

Pulsating with the giggles

A light and friendly laughter

That gave off little wiggles

 

See my laugh collection!

I’ve got chuckles and guffaws

Chortles and Hee hees and

Ha ha’s and haw haws!

 

I have saved this laughter

In a jar up in my room

And when I’m next unhappy

And filled with doom and gloom

 

I’ll let these peals fly

Bring a smile to those they touch

Laughter is a precious gift

Thank you very much

 

© Philippa Rae

 

Today’s joke – did you know that if you look at a mirror REALLY closely, it looks like an eyeball?

Oh! And Happy Birthday to Peter, my husband!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: How the Head Kept His Head, Liz Brownlee

So today’s poem is by ME! Therefore it seems appropriate to have a picture of Lola as she is dressed when doing her job and accompanying me to… well everywhere! Lola is a medical detection dog. She has been trained to alert me to high or low blood sugar – I am diabetic, have no warnings of low blood sugar and fall very quickly. She lets me know before my blood sugar gets too low and I have some glucose and then I am ok – which stops me from becoming unconscious, as used to happen, regularly! She has saved my life many times. She is of course the best dog in the world. Here is one of my funny poems.

How The Head Kept His Head

 

One day during registration

to his teacher’s consternation

Lloyd chewed his nails, his toes, and then

the half-done register and pen!

 

The Head, when called, watched in despair

as Lloyd scoffed whiteboards and a chair.

He cried, ‘This problem must be beaten –

we’re not insured for being eaten!’

 

But Lloyd just grinned, unhinged his jaw

and ate the lino off the floor,

gnashed ninety felt tips, slurped some glue,

then gobbled bags of gym shoes too!

 

The ipads crunched like toffee brittle –

then in a spray of liquid spittle

he snacked on Lego in the hall

and Harry hamster cage and all!

 

When class four’s P.C. bite by byte

followed their keyboard out of sight,

the children gasped, then saw with dread,

Lloyd’s eyes alight upon the Head!

 

With fervour, ‘PUDDING!’ Lloyd announced,

and with wild slaverings he pounced –

the Head yelled ‘STOP’ (his voice quite shrill)

‘I taste of greens, I’ll make you ill!’

 

And so Lloyd, when forced to pause here,

found he did feel some slight nausea-

his mum was called: ‘Please do come quick,

for school has made Lloyd very sick!’

 

© Liz Brownlee

 

What do you do if your dog chews up your poem?

You have to take the words right out of her mouth!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Jonathan Humble and Karmasaurus

This is Lola looking a tad apprehensive. She’s a bit scared of the subject of the poem below, sent by Jonathan Humble – thank you Jonathan!  I have reassured her that it’s NOT TRUE. The lovely dinosaur is drawn by Philip Waddell, who is also a poet! Thanks, Phil!

Karmasaurus

 

I am a little dinosaur;

the only one at school.

When teachers are not looking,

I’m the butt of ridicule.

 

At playtimes I’m not chosen

for games like hide and seek,

I often end up by myself,

alone and feeling bleak.

 

Sometimes I lose my sandshoes

and haven’t got a clue

just why I find them soaking

floating in the cloakroom loo.

 

The bigger kids will taunt me;

they’re such a nasty bunch.

But there’s no need to worry ‘cos

I eat them for my lunch.

 

© 2019 Jonathan Humble

 

Why can’t you hear a pterosaur using the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent!

Here is Jonathans’s pet dog, Arthur!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day: Have a Laugh, by Neal Zetter

It doesn’t take much to make Lola laugh, a tickle, the sight of delicious, tasty morsels of meat… or if you tell her a joke. Of course, she doesn’t have the distinction of being named after a laugh. That is reserved for the chi-hua-hua-hua… Anyhoo, today’s poem to make you chuckle comes from Neal Zetter, thank you Neal! You can find my favourite of Neal’s books here. It is about superheroes!

Have a Laugh

Have a chuckle
Have a giggle
Till your belly bobs and jiggles
Go on – act completely daft
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

You’ll feel jolly
You’ll feel cheery
When your day is dull and dreary
Don’t sing in your shower or bath
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Try a bit of comedy
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Make a smirk
Make a smile
Keep on grinning all the while
Like hyenas
Not giraffes
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Why be grumpy?
Why be moody?
When you’re down and bored and broody
Reach out to your happy half
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Melt away your misery
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

© Neal Zetter

Here is Neal with his dog, Hugo, who looks very like Lola!

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day – Box, by Joshua Seigal

It has to be said that Lola is partial to a box. Not as partial as Milla our cat was, but she still quite likes them. However, unlike in Josh’s Box poem, Lola prefers her toys – particularly her unicorn. Thanks for this poem Josh! You can find this poem in Josh’s great new book, Welcome to My Crazy Life, Bloomsbury Education.

 

Box

 

You can give her a ball

or a small fluffy toy,

you can hand her a plaything

for her to enjoy,

you can come home all laden

with ramps, posts and blocks,

but all that she’ll want

is a plain cardboard box.

 

You can go to the pet shop

and fritter your dosh

on fancy contraptions

that seem rather posh,

you can hope that your purchases

will entertain her,

but all that she’ll want

is the cardboard container.

 

You can have lots of love

and the best of intentions

and spend all your time

coming up with inventions,

but nothing that you do

will she deem acceptable,

all that she’ll crave

is the cardboard receptacle.

 

So listen in closely

and heed my advice,

no matter your gift

and no matter how nice,

the only thing certain

is this paradox,

all that she’ll want

is the damn cardboard BOX!

 

© Joshua Seigal

Here is Josh’s own pet, his beeeautiful cat, Bluebell!

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day: Don’t Wanna, by Roger Stevens

Lola has an amazing range of facial expressions – I had no idea before getting a dog that they really do have very expressive faces. Lola always gets her point across, whatever her feelings. As you can see above – this expression means, I don’t wanna wear a BOW! Or possibly, I am NOT being seen in public like this! Needless to say she has not been in a bow since.

Today’s poem is by lovely Roger Stevens, it comes from his and Brian Moses’ book The Waggiest Tails, Otter-Barry, which is full to the brim with lovely dog poems, written by dogs. There is even one by Lola about Lola in there. Thank you, Roger!

 

Don’t Wanna

 

I don’t wanna go to bed

don’t wanna get up

don’t wanna stop chewing

that smelly sock

I don’t wanna stay

I don’t wanna come

don’t wanna stop chasing

the shadows in the sun

I don’t wanna be quiet

I just wanna bark

don’t wanna stop chasing

the ducks in the park

don’t wanna walk quietly

don’t wanna walk to heel

and if you were a puppy

you’d know how I feel

 

© Roger Stevens

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poem a Day – Baby Shark by Myles McCleod

Lola doesn’t seem too worried by sharks in this photo – although she hates getting her feet wet. She jumps over puddles, she prances round dog pee, and only paddles up to her ankles (do dogs have ankles?). She actually proudly reached this point in the river by delicately picking her way over rocks. Do not be deceived. She’s a water wimp. And probably with good reason, judging from Myles’ poem, below. Thanks, Myles!

 

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

A Funny Poem a Day – Sue Hardy-Dawson

Lola (pictured with Gromit in Bristol)  says let’s hear some laughter! For teachers, parents, children  (this is a safe site) and anyone who could do with a giggle. thank you so much to lovely Sue.

A review is coming soon of her absolutely FABULOUS new book… If I Were Other Than Myself, Troika Books.

 

Toilet Humour

 

Miss, my last 2p

fell in the loo

where there should’ve been 1 p

there’s 1 plus 2

 

Me! Get it out?

No it’s covered

 

in dirty water…

So what I was thinking is

Missss – can you?

 

Or better still

get me a clean one?

 

©SHD 2020

Posted in Funny Poem a Day

Funny Poems for Strange Times

Along with my assistance dog, Lola, I think we could all do with some fun parts to the day at the minute, so I intend to post a funny poem a day if at all possible – really funny, funny poems from books, out of copyright poems and also poems from well-known children’s poets! Let’s hear some laughter! For teachers, parents, children  (this is a safe site) and anyone who could do with a giggle.

The FIRST poem is one of my all-time favourites. It was selected by Gerard Benson for his excellent Signal Award winning book: this poem doesn’t rhyme, Puffin.

 

WHAT FOR!

 

One more word, said my dad,

And I’ll give you what for.

 

What for? I said.

 

That’s right, he said, what for!

 

No, I said, I mean what for?

What will you give me what for for?

 

Never you mind, he said. Wait and see.

 

But what is what for for? I said.

 

What’s what for for? he said,

It’s to teach you what’s what,

That’s what.

 

What’s that? I said.

Right, he said, you’re for it,

I’m going to let you have it.

 

Have what? I said.

 

Have what? He said,

What for, that’s what.

Do you want me to really give you

Something to think about?

 

I don’t know, I said,

I’m thinking about it.

 

Then he clipped me over the ear.

 

It was the first time he’d made sense

All day.

 

© Noel Petty

Posted in Favourite Children's Poetry

Lorraine Mariner: Favourite Poetry Books

Lorraine Mariner is Number 21 in my series where I ask a well-known poet, or lover of children’s poetry, to choose some of their favourite poetry books. Lorraine is an Assistant Librarian at the National Poetry Library, Southbank, working among one of the most comprehensive children’s poetry collections I have seen. Yes, I am a little jealous. She has published two poetry collections for adults with Picador, Furniture (2009), and There Will Be No More Nonsense (2014), and has a pamphlet, Anchorage, forthcoming this year with Grey Suit Editions. She has children’s poems in Dragons of the Prime, an anthology of dinosaur poems from The Emma Press (2019) and Midnight Feasts an anthology of food poems edited by A. F. Harrold, Bloomsbury (2019), and had a poem shortlisted in the excellent 2019 YorkMix Children’s Poetry Competition.

Enid Blyton’s Treasury of Verse (Purnell, 1979)

When I spotted this on the shelves of the National Poetry Library and saw the field mice on the cover my heart leapt with joy. I had this book as a child and loved it. Enid Blyton just has the ability to write stuff for kids that’s addictive.

Plum Pudding : Stories, Rhymes and Fun for the Very Young by Margaret Mayo (Orchard Books, 2000)

We regularly use rhymes from this book at our under-5s session at the National Poetry Library, you can’t go wrong with them. “Splishy-Sploshy Wet Day” always cheers me up on a rainy day.

The Noisy Classroom by Ieva Flamingo (The Emma Press Children’s Books, 2017)

The Emma Press is doing great work translating the best European children’s poets into English. This book was a revelation to me in my own writing for children; here is poet really writing for kids in the digital age about the loneliness and pressures being constantly connected can bring.

The Bubble Wrap and Other Poems by Dean Parkin (Smith/Doorstop, 2017)

I had no idea my friend Dean Parkin could draw until he published this book. Funny and touching poems from “Granddad in Goal” to the magic of Spagnets.

National Geographic Book of Animal Poetry edited by J. Patrick Lewis (National Geographic, 2012)

I’ve bought this book for many of the children in my life. Beautiful photographs and stellar poems from classic and contemporary poets make this a total winner.

Poems from a Green & Blue Planet edited by Sabrina Mahfouz (Hodder Children’s Books, 2019)

And this is a new anthology I’m now buying for all the children in my life. Again, a wonderful mix of classic and newly commissioned poems celebrating the natural world.

Is that the New Moon? : Poems by Women Poets collected by Wendy Cope (Lions Teen Tracks : 1989)

Aimed at teenagers, I actually read this anthology in my early twenties and it introduced me to the women poets who have come to mean so much to me. Looking through it again I see that many of the poems have stayed with me and are among my favourites.

Tell Me the Truth About Life : a National Poetry Day Anthology : 100 Poems That Matter (Michael O’Mara, 2019)

And this is another great anthology for getting to know poets and poems. Lovingly curated by Cerys Matthews it features poems nominated by Britain’s poetry readers (some quite famous ones) and includes a poem of mine.

Lorraine Mariner